The most important thing is things we have not done.
We run off the hamster wheel and forget what we really want and want out of life. Time and life fly away without the thought of what we want to get out of life and everyday life.
The Australian nurse Bronnie Ware has been working for several years with dying people.
Regrets it drained
True was so inspired by the work and what the patients were telling about what they regretted that she wrote the book: “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying – A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing”.
The book changed her life and many others. A common denominator for the five points (see bottom of the article) is that patients regretted what they had not done.
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Jon-Erik Bråthen, leading hospital priest at Modum Bad, has had many meetings with people who have lost someone. In the past he has also worked with dying patients.
He believes that when it comes to anger, there has been a shift in time.
– Before, people regretted what they had done. I think it was due to the strong position Christianity had in people’s consciousness. At that time it was important to have made up for their sins before they died, to be secured a place in heaven afterwards. Now the faith in hell has gone a long way, and people who die will talk more about what they could have done differently in life. Anger goes on what they have not done, he says.
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Brutthen says what people often regret most is that they spent too little time on close relationships.
– They understand that the good moments, the golden moments of life, were the most important. The new car and the nice house were not so important anyway. In addition, there are many who wish they had spent less time caring for trifles.
Many begin to live differently after they have lost one of their close.
– They prioritize differently. They discover what’s important in life, and choose to spend more time with their loved ones.
Quality over quantity
The hospital priest says death is still a taboo for most. Therefore, we often do what we can to make it happen, trying to live for as long as possible.
– Physiology has come a long way. Doctors can provide life-longing treatment so people live much longer than before. Many people make use of this, understandably, although it can cause major ailments. Others choose differently. When they see which way they should go, they choose to prioritize quality time with their closest, rather than struggling to live.
The inner voice
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Psychologist, lawyer and author of the book “Kilden”, Grethe Nordhelle, is most concerned that we live so that we are faithful to ourselves and our inner voice.
– It’s about daring to be honest with yourself and following its inner voice. Use the cards that life has distributed to us. Everyone has an inner voice. It only applies to learning to listen to it. It clearly tells us when we go right or wrong.
Nordhelle says that the voice’s biggest enemy is all the external disturbances.
– It’s like when you try to see the bottom of a water. Often there are so many waves and grums that you do not get it. Instead, you get stuck and be frustrated and confused and you will not get there. Transferred to today’s society can be called “the organized frenzy”. We run our legs and stress and cheat us through the days. One can ask the question: Is it to run from ourselves? Perhaps we get along with so much to get rid of. Perhaps there is an anxiety underlying that which we do not want to know. Then we continue to run, unconsciously, through noise and turmoil.
The psychologist says it requires to pull out of the noise and confront its own internal blockages.
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– Often it goes from outer turmoil to inner turmoil. We must know everything we have not given us time and space to grab. We have stolen away what has been painful and difficult, and it may be tough to draw it in the light. But that’s just what can help, confront us, feel the pain and process it. Then we achieve self-esteem. Then we must let go. And it’s only when we can develop in the right direction.
Follow Your Own Way
Genetically, we have all unique opportunities to realize ourselves, says Nordhelle.
– We have received some resources and talents, and we have a free will. The more we use these opportunities, the more harmonious we will feel. We get a completely different calm when we use ourselves properly and we can die. Enjoy days. It’s not how much you’ve made that matter if you feel you’ve lived your life in full. That’s what you’ve done.
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What’s the matter with you?
The best advice of psychologist is that you stop and listen. What’s the matter with you?
– We live with a constant flow of information. From the PC, from the TV, from the radio, from the people around us. We rarely get the opportunity to focus our attention. We need space, breathing space, where we can stop and listen to ourselves.
She says it’s a good idea to go for a walk in the woods. Or just sit on the sofa, with all screens turned off. Take a long drive. Let yourself lie for a moment in bed and wake up naturally.
– Take against what comes from the unconscious. The answers lie there deep inside you. They do not shout loudly. They carefully pop up in your head. The little inner guide. All known philosophers are talking about this, in one form or another, the inner voice. You know what life is and what you are going to do. And when you see it clearly, you can start living as it is right for you. Then you will not have to regret when it’s too late.
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What we most often regret
Bonnie Ware has written the book: “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying – A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing”, After Working With Dying Patients For Long Time. Here are the five things the patients regretted most:
1. I wish I had the courage to live a life of faith to myself, not the life others expected of me. This was the most common point among the dying.
2. I wish I had not worked so hard. This said all the male patients. They wish they had spent more time on the children and the partner.
3. I wish I had the courage to express my feelings. Many have suppressed their feelings. Simply to avoid conflict with others. According to Ware, this resulted in them never becoming the person they had the potential to become.
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4. I wish I had kept in touch with my friends. Often they would not realize the great benefits of old friends before the week before they died and it was impossible to track them up.
5. I wish I had let myself be happier. Many did not realize until the end of happiness is a choice. They had landed in ancient patterns and habits.
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– Many have a slightly strained relationship with the word “condolences”
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